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How not to raise a narcissist in 9 easy steps
By Mackenzie Dawson
March 11, 2015 | 3:26pm
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How not to raise a narcissist in 9 easy steps
A new study finds that narcissists are largely bred, not born. Photo: Shutterstock.com
This week, a study came out confirming that narcissists are largely bred, not born. The study, conducted by the University of Amsterdam and Ohio State University, found that “narcissism in children is cultivated by parental overvaluation: parents believing their child to be more special and more entitled than others.” (That’s scientific-speak for Special Snowflake Syndrome, and the researchers are talking about the other parents at your youth league soccer practice.)
This is great news, because it means there are steps we can take to prevent unleashing more little egotists on the world.
And this is bad news, because these steps are actually pretty common-sense; the study cited parental warmth, not praise, as a counterbalance to the trend. It’s also kind of depressing that we’ve even come to a point where narcissism — the increase of which contributes to societal problems such as aggression and violence, according to the research — has become so widespread that an entire study was conducted in the first place. (Then again, selfie sticks are now sold in drugstores for $24.95, so the mystery ends there.)
Anyone who’s spent time with a toddler recently does not need to be told that narcissism is the status quo in children. Remember how Martin Luther King Jr. once said that the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice? In kids, it bends toward narcissism.
After all, we are talking about a segment of the population that sees nothing wrong in waking their parents up at 4 a.m. to demand pancakes and episodes of “Dinosaur Train.”
And that’s why parents exist. It’s partly to keep their kids clothed and fed and safe and loved, and partly to prevent them from becoming Caligula.
The way to raise a narcissist is pretty evident: Tell your child they are wonderful, the very best, the most special of the specials on the sports field and the classroom and in the country and possibly on the planet — and keep telling them that. Or, just be a narcissist yourself. Done. Cool, we’ve settled that.
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Children need to accept that they’ll hear “no” in life — and it’s best for them to learn this early.Photo: Shutterstock.com
But what if you’d like to raise someone who’s confident, kind and aware of others?
Here are nine ways to make sure your child doesn’t become a narcissist.
Say no. A recent school of thought seems to treat “no” as a kind of ultimate buzzkill, a tamping down on childish creativity and artistic self-expression. This is nuts. It’s fine to tell your children no, especially when they’re trying to set something on fire. In fact, a lot of life is being told no and then trying to come up with alternative plans. They might as well learn this young, so it doesn’t come as a shock five minutes into their first job.
Teach them basic manners. A lack of manners is the ultimate form of narcissism. Whether it’s someone who is rude to waiters, has bad table manners or can’t be bothered to dress for the occasion, lack of manners is signaling to the world that you have no need to conform to any silly “social codes” or “basic ideas of decency,” and that all that counts is your own comfort. But wait, you say. There are plenty of well-mannered narcissists! Yes, but they’re a lot more pleasant than the ones who sneeze into their dinner napkins or take food off your plate without asking.
Teach them how to manage frustration. Much has been written about good old-fashioned grit, a person’s ability to confront failure and learn from it. Studies have found it to be one of the best indicators of later happiness in adults. Teach a kid how to overcome adversity, and you’re also teaching him or her about disappointment, another invaluable life lesson that’s cut off when parents attempt to cocoon their children from anything unpleasant.
Pull a Louie. There was a fantastic episode of “Louie” a few seasons back where his daughter is enraged because her sister got something that she didn’t.
“Listen,” he says. “You’re never gonna get the same things as other people. It’s never gonna be equal. It’s not gonna happen ever in your life, so you must learn that now, OK? The only time you should look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have . . . as much as them.” Pretty much everything Louis C.K. has to say about parenting is dead on, so if you’re looking for more pointers and great life lessons, just cue up your Netflix account.
Be kind. To other people, not just your child. This one might seem painfully obvious, but it’s worth remembering that your kids don’t just notice how you treat them — they notice how you interact with the world. You know how some of the most successful people are the ones who are unfailingly lovely to everyone, from shoe shiners to CEOs? People like that lead by example, creating wonderful environments to be emulated. Parents who are rude to everyone but their children are sending a message that there are people who matter (their kids!) and people who don’t (everyone else!).
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Traveling with your kids will reinforce that it is not acceptable to simply exist in a bubble of people who reflect their own worldview.Photo: Shutterstock.com
Travel with them. Take trips with your kids, whether it’s to another country, another state or even a town nearby that’s completely different from the one you live in. It doesn’t have to be expensive. A change of scenery will be enough to reinforce to your kids that not everyone lives the way they do: that life goes on differently in other places, that people come from different races and nationalities and economic situations, and that it is not acceptable to simply exist in a bubble of people who reflect their own worldview.
Love and approval are different. Loving your kids unconditionally is one thing, but that love doesn’t need to translate into constant, unconditional, 24/7 approval and praise of everything they do. You can love someone while redirecting their behavior or being disappointed by their actions. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
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A recent study found that reading fiction helps people improve their empathy.Photo: Shutterstock.com
Read to them. A recent study found that reading fiction helps people improve their empathy, because it encourages them to place themselves in others’ lives and understand their actions. In that way, reading is like traveling — with your mind.
Run errands with them. Not all of life can be fascinating, interesting and wonderful, and no lesson reinforces that better than bringing your kids along on some errands. While the recent parenting emphasis on “quality time” is fine, boredom is its own powerful life lesson. So is the message that you have to spend a portion of each day doing things that are necessary, though not magical, and that not every activity revolves around kids. It’s also a great time to bond with your kids in a casual, low-pressure setting.
Filed under childcare , children , motherland , parenting
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Jeanne Amundson
Jan 6, 2016
Many years ago when the rage to boost children's self esteem began, I felt they were making a huge mistake. I believe the best way to teach children they are special is to teach them to care about others. One way to do that is by having them make crafts and/or treats to take on a weekly or monthly basis to nursing homes, children's cancer wards, or other places where they would learn how good it feels to bring a smile to the face of someone who needs some cheer and a little extra attention. While taking the immediate focus off the children you're raising, they benefit in a much more positive way. Not only is their self esteem boosted, but it just may change the course of their lives.
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Mary Helen Carter
Jan 5, 2016
As a school teacher of almost thirty years, I have been saying for a long time that we've raised a generation of "praise junkies". They get a blue ribbon or trophy for just showing up. "You did a super job!" we coo.....when they only gave 50%. No wonder they fail the first year of college.....or if they do go on to graduate and get their first job, their bosses fire them the first week because they do not know the meaning of "an honest day's work for an honest day's pay". Heaven forbid that we should tell a child "no"! It might warp his/her self-esteem!
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CJ Umbersen
Dec 26, 2015
This translates into public policy as well. Disapproving of gay behavior is not the same as "homophobia" or hatred of gay people. Blaming one's predecessor instead of taking responsibility is narcissistic. Claiming "racism" every time you don't get what you want is also narcissistic. Our narcissists have become our leaders and therefore, role models for a whole new generation of narcissists.
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Carla Williams
Jul 7, 2015
my sister did an amazing job at raising two, neither who can coexist with anyone because they well and truly believe they are above everyone in every way.
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Mary Helen Carter
Jan 5, 2016
@Carla Williams These are the children teachers dread seeing walk into their classrooms on the first day of school! And yes, you can spot them on the first day!
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Hanny
Apr 28, 2015
This is a very good post example of Jodi Arias :D not Kim Kadarshian hahaha :D may be her mom does.
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Jody Moore
Apr 14, 2015
So, is it bred or is it taught? They clearly say in the first sentence of the article that it is bred, but then the entire article says its taught or conditioned.
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Pricilla Uria
Jul 14, 2015
I think normally bred and born are the same things, but in this article it uses bred like taught...confused me too.
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Dana DeSimone
Jan 1, 2016
@Jody Moore really badly worded, but I think they're arguing nurture over nature.
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Angela Davis
Apr 13, 2015
I wrote about this very thing here: http://theindigorabbit.blogspot.com/2015/03/raising-narcissist.html
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Andrea Jane Dewey
Apr 11, 2015
Great article, thank you.
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Steve Cornell
Apr 7, 2015
For another perspective on this, check out "Don’t raise a narcissist: Do you know the 9 symptoms associated with narcissistic personality disorder?" https://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/.../parents-dont-raise.../
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Amanda Maher
Apr 7, 2015
Very foolish. Narcissism is a function of a child being made to feel worthLESS and building a false self that everyone must bow to. Pity them - but do it from afar, because they'll taken anyone and everyone down in their path.
@Maura George, I really hope you know what you're talking about. How sad it would be to say this about your child who may be suffering from mental health disorder aside from narcissism (especially a treatable one!)
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Maura George
Apr 5, 2015
What is sad is you 'boxing' this up into a tidy little list with a so called definite result.
I've raised 2 kids just as you described. Both are now young adults.
One of them is a well adjusted responsible uni student with a great job, friends, outlook on life who is kind to everyone.
The other suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder and can now no longer cope with life because the rest of the world do not offer them everything on a platter. This child locks themselves away from the world and 'refuses to play' because LIFE is not all about them.......SO which one on your list did we get wrong?
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Pricilla Uria
Jul 14, 2015
Is that a real disorder? Just curious.
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Trevor Barre
Apr 5, 2015
Such a thing is never in a child when born, but is is a combination I am sure of many factors such as parenting, friends, environmental factors and much more.
Trevor Barre
http://www.liveeachadventure.com/
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KitKat
Apr 4, 2015
There is no "right way" to raise a kid. We think it's some formula we can follow to the letter to produce the perfect human. There are so many factors that influence a person, not just environment. However, the idea that children model our behaviour is important. So be kind to waiters, be kind to family including your own parents - go get the out of the nursing home and take them to lunch. Show empathy to the homeless, the mentally ill, people with disabilities. Be the change and your kids will be a healthy part of the world. Try and control them with rigid "formulas" and they end up hating you.
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Lyn John
Apr 3, 2015
As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I cant agree with all this - as my mother tells it she never got told she was wonderful or the best in fact the way she tells it she was told quite the opposite
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Judy
Apr 2, 2015
There is a condition called Narcissistic personality disorder which presents more complications than just narcissism
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ToLovelyJesus .
Mar 31, 2015
This list is awesome!!
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Christian Roberts
Mar 25, 2015
"the only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure they have enough." awesome. love it love it love it
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anon anon
Mar 13, 2015
#1….Do not be named Kim Kardashian.
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James Stewart
Mar 12, 2015
How about children with no affection and lack of respect towards them? Somebody needs to fill the void.
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Arhedis Farkensayd
Mar 12, 2015
Rugrats of Democrats have this problem. Self entitled brats.
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Amanda Maher
Apr 7, 2015
@Arhedis Farkensayd PFFT, wrong. Personal accountability is a big factor for a group so concerned with the care of the rest of the country. We want to make sure we're helping support those who deserve it and who will truly benefit and grow from it. We also know that our country is only as strong as the weakest subset. It's the GOP who don't care to help support anyone at all. ever.
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tammyNH
Apr 8, 2015
@Amanda Maher @Arhedis Farkensayd both of you are encouraging the ongoing divide in this country. not all democrats are self-entitled brats and not all republicans are just out for themselves and never support those who need help.
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ausmboomer
Apr 15, 2015
@Arhedis Farkensayd There is always one in every crowd - the one who has to put a label on every single subject and call it "Republican or Democrat." The politics don't really have much to do with this subject in the article.
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Nancy Condit
Dec 29, 2015
@ausmboomer @Arhedis Farkensayd politics has more to do with the subject than you think when the government jumps in and tells parents they can't punish their child for bad behavior thats politics.And I think both parties are to blame for helping to encourage the type of behavior that breeds Narcissism.Children need to know there are consequences for bad behavior otherwise you get what we now have a generation of narcissists.
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