The Lighter Side of Filipino Socialism
I
recall that as a young man, socialism’s appeal lay in the pro-poor
rhetoric. Socialism’s appeal fades with time once realizes that in order
to display one’s being “preferential of the poor” there needs to be a
lot of poor people – the more the better. Which reminds me of Winston
Churchill quip that capitalism curse is the unequal sharing of wealth
and socialism’s curse is the equal sharing of misery.
THE CONDOM FUEHRER SAYS – CONDOM FOR YOU!!!
The Philippines of today churns out one welfare
program to another, reverses the privatization of utilities such as the
MRT, and keeps foreign investments out. Filipino elections also have the
feel of a Democrat primary. Leftists (who have rebranded themselves as
“progressives”) also fill the ranks of Congress and the Cabinet –
whether it’s Walden Bello, Pia Hontiveros, Edcel Lagman, Mong Palatino –
I can’t help but get the feeling that Filipino socialism is in full
swing and the National United Front tactics of the left has garnered the
holy grail of Filipino socialists simply by changing the party’s colors
from red to yellow.
The Philippines under Aquino has all the trappings
of a Soviet state – from the Aquino personality cult, the centrally
planned economy, the unrestrained state controls on the flow of
investments and trade, the two-tiered economy – one for the
apparatchicks and another for the common folks, the massive state
propaganda machinery which extols economic growth while people line up
for contraceptives, food, health care, and housing provided by the
state. For all intents and purposes – the welfare agenda of LP, NP, and
UNO make them appear as the wings of a one party state that wants more
taxes, more spending, more government lorded over by a dictatorial
Secretary-General masquerading as a President.
In light of these developments, I have scoured the
Internet for anecdotes of life in the former Soviet republics that
eerily parallel life in the Philippines today. These are humorous tales
that originated during the Velvet revolution and adopted for Filipino
consumption.
****
What is Filipino Socialism?
It’s the painful transition from capitalism to capitalism, or
It’s punishment for the EDSA Revolution, or
It’s the triumph of ideology over common sense.
****
Q: Why build up Filipino socialism?
A: It’s easier than working.
****
Q: Does class-inequality exist in Filipino socialism?
A: No, class-inequality exists only in capitalism.
Filipino Socialism is based on absolute and common equality, though some
are more equal than others.
****
Q: What is the relation between salary and work in Filipino socialism?
A: Workers pretend to work and the state pretends to pay them.
****
Q: How does supply and demand work in Filipino socialism?
A: You buy what is available and persuade yourself you need it.
****
Q: What is a sardine?
A: A whale after ten years of Filipino socialism.
****
The Seven Wonders of Filipino Socialism
1. Everybody is employed.
2. Although everybody is employed, nobody works
3. Although nobody works, everybody fulfills the plan.
4. Although everybody fulfills the plan, there are no goods.
5. Although there are no goods, everybody has everything.
6. Although everybody has everything, everybody steals.
7. Although everybody steals, nothing is ever missing.
or
6. Although everybody has everything, nobody is satisfied.
7. Although nobody is satisfied, the ruling party always gets 100% of the vote.
****
A
very old man enters a grocery store in Escolta and says: “I’d like to
buy everything in your store,” and puts down a very large amount of
money.
Ok, says the shopkeeper, but how will you get it home.”
I don’t want to take it home,” says the man, “I want
you to leave it just where it is, and if anybody comes to buy anything,
give it to them free.”
The
shop assistant agrees and the old man sits on a bench outside the store
and watches. A few customers go in and come out looking extremely
happy. Soon the store is mobbed and within fifteen minutes, it is a pile
of rubble. The old man continues to sit on the bench, dirty, but
smiling and happy. The ravaged shopkeeper walks up and asks him, “Why
did you do it? My shop is a ruin?”
Well,
I’m very old, and I know I won’t live to see true communism,” says the
man. “I just wanted to see what communism would look like.”
****
Q: Why is capitalist Hong Kong standing on an edge of an abyss?
A: To see the socialist Philippines better.
****
A
man listening to the radio asks his wife: “President Aquino just said
that ‘Philippine progress is on the horizon. I know what progress is,
but what does ‘horizon’ mean?”
She
answers: “The horizon is the line where the sky seems to meet the earth
and which gets the more distant the more one tries to reach it.”
****
Q: What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A: A pessimist says that the Aquino regime is so bad
that it could not get any worse, while an optimist knows that it can
get worse.
****
A
Filipino-American came to Manila for a visit and after drinking at a
pub in Makati with some friends, started to speak loudly, saying,
“I hate Filipino socialism,” and spits at the picture of Aquino on the wall.
Everybody
in the pub goes silent. An old man walks slowly up to the
Filipino-American and asks, “In America, can you leave work whenever you
want?”
No,” says the Filipino-American, a bit surprised, “I can’t do that.”
The
old man continues, “In America, can you build your house with goods you
take from work. “No,” says the Filipino-American, “Of course I can’t do
that.”
The old man perseveres, “In America, can you build your house with work materials during work hours.”
Of course not,” says the Filipino-American.
Well, I can.” says the old man, wiping off the picture of Aquino, “So don’t spit.”
****
In another class, the civics teacher said, “Whoever
tells me the name of the greatest man in the history of the Philippines
will receive a chocolate from me. Little Joseph stood up and said: “It
was Noynoy Aquino!” “Excellent, Joseph! You are improving!” said the
teacher, “Come here for your chocolate.” Joseph went up for his prize
and on the way, said to himself: “Sorry, dude, but business is
business.”
****
Noynoy Aquino, Butch Abad, and Frank Drilon were flying in a plane.
Noynoy said: “If I throw 5000 pesos out the window, I make someone happy.”
Butch Abad says “Well if I throw 50,000 pesos out the window, I make ten people happy.”
Frank Drilon, not to be beaten, says “Well if I throw 100,000 pesos out the window, I make twenty people happy.”
“I could do better,” they heard the pilot say.
“Really, how?” they asked skeptically. “If I threw the three of you out the window, I’d make the whole country happy.”
****
Noynoy, Enrile, and Sotto were flying a plane which
seemed about to crash. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes.
Noynoy grabbed one and jumped out of the plane.
“What do we do now?” Sotto asked Enrile, “How do we decide who lives and who dies?”
“Don’t worry,” said Enrile, “Noynoy took my backpack.”
****
A pollster asks a Singaporean, a North Korean, and a Filipino: “What is your opinion about standing in line for meat?”
The Singaporean says: “What do you mean, ‘standing in line’?”
The North Korean says: “What do you mean, ‘meat’?”
The Filipino says: “What do you mean, ‘think’?”
****
At the future Olympics in Manila, the crowd hushed as Noynoy Aquino stood up and began his opening speech:
Oh—Oh—Oh—Oh . . .” said Aquino
At the fourth “Oh”, Lacierda tapped him on the shoulder and said: “Don’t read that, it’s the Olympic logo.”
****
Noynoy
Aquino arrives in Davao for a visit, and a man living near the airport,
is startled by the 21 gun salute. He asks his wife, “What is that
shooting?”
Noynoy Aquino has arrived,” she says.
Moments later, he hears another salute and asks, “Why so much shooting?”
As I said,” says his wife, “Noynoy Aquino has arrived.”
Nobody hit him the first time?”
****
Three heads of state–Obama, Lee Kwan Yew, and Aquino–have a meeting with God. Each can ask Him one question.
Obama asks, “God, tell me, when will Americans be happy?”
In twenty years,” God said. Obama, unhappy that it would take so long, turns and goes away crying.
Lee Kwan Yew asks, “God, tell me, when will the Singaporeans be happy?”
“In fifty years,” God said. Lee Kwan Yew, unhappy that it would take so long, turns and goes away crying.
Aquino asks, “God, tell me, when will Filipinos be happy?” God turns and goes away crying.
****
What’s the difference between honest Filipino politicians and fairies?
Nothing, both are just stories for children.
****
Q: Will there be any theft after we reach the communist stage of development?
A: Yes, but only if, after socialism, there is anything left to be stolen.
****
Q: What are the primary contradictions under Filipino socialism?
A:
There is no unemployment, yet no one actually works. No one works, yet
the stores are all full. The stores are full, yet the people are
unhappy. The people are unhappy, yet Aquino’s approval ratings are very
high.
****
Q:
Yesterday, I wanted to get a wireless plan, however, at the store there
was only one wireless plan and it was expensive, had 70% uptime, had
very low bandwidth . How is a guy supposed to choose?
A: The same way you choose during the elections.
***
Q: What would happen if Noynoy Aquino were to govern the Sahara Desert?
A: In a few years they would have to import sand.
***
Q: Are there any measures in the new five year plan to improve the food of the Filipino people?
A: More cookbooks will be printed by the Dept of Agriculture.
***
Karl
Marx was resurrected and came to the Philippines. He was shown
factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to
be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Liberal Party hesitated as they
were afraid he might say something they wouldn’t approve. Marx promised
he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Liberal Party
agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: “Workers of the Philippines, forgive me.”
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